In this weekend’s Eurovision Song Contest, Britain’s entry scored no points. None. Nada. Zip. “An estimated 150 million viewers across the length and breadth of the continent witnessed this national humiliation. They not only watched it; they conspired to bring it about through telephone voting. One German newspaper was quick to grasp the true significance of what had occurred: ‘England, motherland of pop, in last place!’ This is what is known in English as schadenfreude.”